Peter Hoflich

Last week in the global environment conference in the beautiful Pompeii resort the leaders of most of the world’s nations with more than 5 million consumers met to discuss viable preventions for future environmental problems. The United States of America once more declared its intent to sacrifice its portion of the atmosphere in order to spur on its production economy and increase global prosperity at the same time.

“It is important that we continue to sacrifice our part of the world’s clean air in order to fuel global prosperity, since the prosperity of the United States in inextricably related to world prosperity,” U.S representative Brent Bought told economic reporters visiting the conference.

“This is just us doing our part to save the free consumer world, as we have been since 1941, and keep things alive and healthy,” Bought continued.

“We may be sacrificing a lot, but it is definitely what we have to do. Let’s all do our best to keep the engine going, day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year.

Last week we postulated that the geeks will inherit the earth, now we have revised our opinions somewhat to include the slow-witted, who we believe will also inherit the earth.

The slow-witted are always slow to respond to insults and sit and stew instead of confronting their enemies. This is especially common in situations where alcohol is involved. This is not to say that the slow-witted are cowardly, they are just thick-skinned, patient, and slow to react. By being slow to react, they avoid anything hasty, avoid dangerous situations, and remain safe. When the quick-witted and the hasty are out killing each other, the slow-witted will be in the pubs relaxing, having a pint, the geeks will be manipulating the world economy through the internet, and they will inherit the earth together.

Next week: the geeks vs. the slow-witted.

James Elmore, a high school ALT in Tatatsuki remains in shock after his sarcastic comment about a lazy students lack of English ability was met with a witty retort. Elmore allegedly told one of his third year students, Nakano Yukio, “maybe if you studied just a wee bit more you wouldn’t be so poor at English”. Nakano, responded with, “Maybe if you’d studied just a wee bit more when you were a student you wouldn’t be a forty year old unmarried loser that had to come all the way to Japan to find a job because no one would hire you in your own country”

With reporting by Quentin Quigglesworth

Dear Negi,

I like your newspaper, when are you going to publish a Taiwanese edition? I think Taiwan needs something like what you got, for sure.

Your friend,
A-wei

Dear Negi,

What’s up with the name change? I think you should change your name to the News Paper, then people would know what it is. Or you could call it the Online Newspaper, although there’s actually no paper involved. By the way, can I write for you? I have lots of good ideas,

Your friend,
Greg

Dear Negi,

When I was a kid I used to read comic books a lot, and I wrote a bunch of letters to the comics and none of them ever got published, and I began to wonder if they actually make up the letters that they publish. Do you think that may be true? Would you ever do that at your newspaper?

Your friend,
Blobby

Dear Negi,

I dig your newspaper, it is probably my favorite source of world information. I think you should make fun of famous people more than you do. And when are you going to publish pictures?

Your friend,
Stinky

“The whole scene would have been laughable had it not been so pathetic and so on the edge of getting totally out of hand.” – Triple XXX Probe writer